I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
