Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
