Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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