the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
