i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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