So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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