Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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