I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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