My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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