I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
