Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
