Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
