...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
