For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
