i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
