The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
