I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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