He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
