4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think my vagina is haunted
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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