i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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