Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
