Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
