life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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