I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
