My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
