Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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