I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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