i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
