ya dads aren't the best wingmen
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
