First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
