I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
