No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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