In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
