Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
