chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
