Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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