I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
