Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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