I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So many bounce houses so little time
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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