How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
