Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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