he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
