I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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