if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
