omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
