Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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