Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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