I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
