Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
