ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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