Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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