What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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