I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
