You're completely useless in the revolution.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
