ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
