My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
