I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
