I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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