just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
