i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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