I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize