I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
