what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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